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The Passover Seder, the oldest continuously observed religious ceremony in the world, tells the story of the Jews' Exodus from Egypt.  The rabbis teach that Jews of all nations and eras must imagine that they personally had departed from Egypt, and that each generation must retell the story of the Exodus in its own terms.

The rabbis probably never intended this.



The 2010 Facebook Haggadah

 

Joseph has been taken to Egypt.  Traffic was terrible. Comment  · Like · Share

 

Joseph and Pharaoh are now friends. Comment  · Like · Share

Joseph to Pharaoh   O Pharaoh!  First there will be seven good years, with bountiful harvest.  You must fill the royal treasuries with grain.  Then, when the lean years come, you may throw open the doors to your granary that none may go hungry!  Comment  · Like · Share

Pharaoh You speak wisely.  It shall be done!

 

Elijah My new smartphone with Nav software and turn by turn directions is making this year’s rounds a breeze!  Currently 350 households ahead of schedule.  

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Posted via Facebook for Flaming Chariots · Comment  · Like · Share

 

 

Pharaoh Rough day today, so be nice.  My dad entered immortality this morning, and I’ve assumed the throne and become the new Pharaoh.  I even took over his account.  I’m doing my best to carry on his legacy, but it’s tough.  And it didn’t get any easier after dinner tonight when the cat threw up all over the carpet.  Comment  · Like · Share

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Joseph I am sorry to hear of your loss, my master.

 

Pharaoh Who are you, and why are you writing on my wall?

 

Joseph I meant no disrespect, my master.

 

Advisor He is an Israelite. There are many of them. I do not know whether they are with us or against us.

 

Pharaoh Let us deal shrewdly with them, lest they join with our enemies in time of war.

 

Pharaoh sent The Israelites Bread of Affliction. Comment  · Like · Share

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The Israelites This stuff tastes awful.

 

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The Israelites This year we are slaves, next year may we be free!

 

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Miriam Eggshell blue.  Comment  · Like · Share

                       Elijah likes this

 

 

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Youngest son Why is this night different from all other nights?  Comment  · Like · Share

Parent What do you mean?

 

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Youngest son Well, there's the drink-four-times thing, and the matzah thing, and the dip in salt-water thing. What's up with that?

 

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Pharaoh has posted an album: Construction of Piton and Ramses.  Comment  · Like · Share
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        israelites.JPG  The Israelites I'm the 350th slave from the right!

 

 

 

 

 

Elijah is entering 350 Andrews St, Cambridge, MA.   

Posted via Facebook for Flaming Chariots · Comment  · Like · Share

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Elijah Hello?  Anybody home?  Where’s my wine?

 

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Henry Louis Gates Who are you and what are you doing here?

Elijah Woops, my bad!  Typed 350 instead of 305 into the Nav software.  I’ll be going now.  If its ok, I’ll just grab this bottle of wine for the road.

 

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Henry Louis Gates Hey!  Bring that back!  I’m calling the police!

 

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The Israelites have written a note on God's Wall: We're suffering! See See Wall to Wall  

 

  

God has written a note on The Israelites' Wall: Yeah, I see. Listen, sit tight, and I'll think of Something.   See See Wall to Wall

 

 

   

Moses has found an egg on his farm.  He needs you to sit on it and keep it warm.  Click here to help Moses hatch his egg.  

Comment  · Like · Share

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God Moses, don’t you have anything better to do?  Wait, I’ve got just the thing for you: go deliver your people Israel from bondage.

 

Moses Me?  Can’t you find someone else?  I’m really not very good at public speaking.

 

 

God sent Moses burning bush.  Comment  · Like · Share

 

God has written a note on Moses' Wall: Yeah, you.        See See Wall to Wall

 

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Henry Louis Gates has been arrested again. Comment  · Like · Share

 

 

 

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Henry Louis Gates But… but!  You can’t arrest me for breaking and entering into my own house and stealing my own wine!

 

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  Policeman We won’t.  We’ll think of something.

 

 

Moses has written a note on Pharaoh's Wall: Let my people go!        See See Wall to Wall

 

 

 

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Youngest son Daddy, can I have a drink from your glass?  Comment  · Like · Share

 

Parent That’s not my glass, it’s Elijah’s.  And anyway you can’t, because it’s grownup juice.  Also, we only drink at special times tonight.

 

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Youngest son Who’s Elijah?

Parent Long story.  Short version is that he’s this guy who drank 40,000 cups of wine and is now driving a flaming chariot across the sky while texting Facebook.  To be honest, I’m not entirely sure he’s a great role model.

 

 

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Pharaoh has written a note on Moses’ Wall: No!  The Israelites will always be my slaves!  And you shall be punished for your insolence in asking me such a question.  From now on, you shall no longer be given the bricks you will use, but shall have to make them yourselves.  See See Wall to Wall

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Moses OK, do what you gotta do.  But there’s an App for making bricks.  We’ll just download it.

 

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Pharaoh Not anymore!  I shall cause the brickmaking app to be removed from the store.  There is no longer an App for that.

 

 








 

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Toyota has recalled 10 models of flaming chariot, saying they are plagued by braking problems, steering issues, and sudden acceleration.  Although there is no cause for alarm at this time, all customers are advised to take their flaming chariots to the nearest flaming chariot dealer as soon as possible. Comment  · Like · Share

 

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Elijah Ruh-roh

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Rabbi Jose the Gallilean How might one show that Toyota was smitten by 50 recalls instead of 10?  It is written that when the problems were first reported, “Toyota pointed a finger at the floor mats.”  And yet when it came to fix the flaming chariots, it is written that “Toyota promised owners a helping hand.”  If 10 recalls were the finger of Toyota, than surely the hand of Toyota must be 50 recalls.

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Rabbi Eliezer How do we know that there were 150 recalls in all?  If each of Toyota’s ten models of flaming chariot were plagued by 1) braking problems, 2) steering issues, and 3) sudden acceleration, then there must have been 50 times 3 or 150 recalls in all.

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Rabbi Akiva Dude, you missed some commas.  As I heard it, their chariots are plagued by 1) braking, 2) problems, 3) steering, 4) issues, and 5) sudden acceleration, so surely there must have been 250 recalls in all.

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Lawyer You guys are great.  Can I hire you all as expert witnesses for my class-action suit?

 

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Seder leader “And he embittered our lives.”  From this, we learn that Pharaoh Ramses not only removed all brickmaking Apps from the online store, but changed the Terms of Service on the Israelite’s phones so they could no longer run brick-making Apps they wrote themselves. Comment  · Like · Share

 

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Seder participant Yea, even their own personal phones that were not work-related.

 

 

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Youngest son Daddy, do I have to eat the red stuff?  It tastes bad.  Comment  · Like · Share

 

Parent That’s maror.  It tastes very bitter.  It symbolizes the bitter times the Israelites experienced.

 

 

 

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Rabbi Hillel if I do not eat this sandwich, who will eat it for me? But if I eat this sandwich alone, how will I have room for dessert? And if not now, when?  Comment  · Like · Share 

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God This pharaoh guy is seriously ticking me off.  Comment  · Like · Share

 

God sent Pharaoh a plague: blood  Comment  · Like · Share

blank.JPGsederLeader.JPG  Seder leader The waters are turning from blue! to red!How powerful is He Who turns the waters red!

 

 

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God sent Pharaoh a plague: insects.   Comment  · Like · Share

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God sent Pharaoh “the worst storm in all the land of Egypt since it had become a nation.”   Comment  · Like · Share

blank.JPGadvisor.JPG   Advisor It’s natural variation!  Or a conspiracy!  Or both!

 

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God sent Pharaoh more plagues. Comment  · Like · Share

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God sent Pharaoh a final plague: the slaying of the first born. Comment  · Like · Share

 

Moses has written a note on the Israelites’ Wall: Guys, you should probably take precautions.  I’m not saying you should defriend the Angel of Death or anything, but you should probably play around with the privacy settings a bit, or write a note on your wall or something.  See See Wall to Wall

 

 

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The Israelites O Angel of Death!  Pass over this house!

Posted in blood via Facebook for paschal lambs · Comment  · Like · Share

 

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The Angel of Death has passed over some houses—but not others. Comment  · Like · Share

 

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Pharaoh has written a note on Moses’ Wall: My son!  My only son!  I give up, Moses. begone!!!  See See Wall to Wall

 

 

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Moses has written a note on the Israelites’ Wall:  Pharaoh is letting us go!  Quick, before he changes his mind, let’s go! See Wall to Wall

 

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Israelites But we're in the middle of baking bread.  It’s great stuff, with a delicate blend of spices, lots of heart-healthy cinnamon, and filled with little raisins on the inside.

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Moses  Leave it behind!  We have to go, now!

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Israelites But what will we eat for dinner?  It’s not like there are McDonalds all over the desert.

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Moses  OK, take your bread dough!  It’s better than nothing.

















Moses is departing Egypt.  Comment  · Like · Share    

 

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Seder leader  All of Israel went forth from Egypt.  Not only the living, but the dead, and also those not born. Comment  · Like · Share

 

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Rabbi Allen I went forth from Egypt.

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Rabbi Albert  I went forth from Egypt.

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Sarah Palin I didn’t, but I watched from my house in Al’ Aska.  It’s right next door.















 

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Pharaoh My slaves are leaving!   We must be after them.  Generals, gather the army!  Let us catch them!  Ready my personal chariot!  Comment  · Like · Share

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Advisor But sir, your personal chariot was made by Toyota.

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Pharaoh What’s wrong with that?  So were the chariots of the rest of the army.

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Advisor Er, nothing sir.

 

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Pharaoh Good, then ready the war corollas.  And have the all their stereos play the Ride of the Valkyries cranked up to 11!

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Advisor But sir, Wagner won’t be born for another 30 centuries! He can’t possibly have written that song!

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Pharaoh  Download it online, fool!  Now prepare my personal Prius of Destruction!

 

 

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Israelites There is a huge cloud of dust rising from the city!  We hear the strains of Wagner.  It is the Egyptian war Toyotas!  The army of pharaoh is after us!  Comment  · Like

 

Moses Have faith, O Israel.  But run fast.  Very, very fast.  Comment  · Like · Share   

 

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Pharaoh Now I’ve got them. they are trapped between my war machines and the deep blue sea! Comment  · Like · Share

 

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God wrote a note on Moses' wall:  Fear not, Moses!  I shall send you my prophet Elijah. Comment  · Like · Share

 

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Elijah Yo!  I am the prophet Elijah.  I’m here to help.  But first, have you got any Manishewitz? Comment  · Like · Share

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Moses No, we left it behind, because we were kind of in a hurry.  Please help us, O prophet!

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Elijah  OK, I can understand if you don’t have Manishewitz, but have you at least got anything Red?  Lord knows, I’m not picky.

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Moses No, we don’t have any wine, because we left in KIND OF IN A HURRY because THE EGYPTIAN ARMY IS CHARGING TOWARDS US IN THEIR AWFUL PRIUSES OF DEATH.  Help us, O prophet!

 

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Elijah  OK, fine, don’t worry about the wine.  Hey!  I didn’t recognize you at first—is that you, Moses?

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Moses Yes!  Please help, the Egyptian army is almost upon us!

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Elijah  Dude, I know you, you’re Miriam’s brother.  Could you help me out a bit?  I keep winking at her on JLove, and she like totally ignores me.  Didn't return my last two IMs either.  Do you think you could introduce us? Nothing too obvious, just something casual?!




























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Moses has written a note on God’s Wall: Have you got a Plan B?  See See Wall to Wall

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God has written a note on Moses’ Wall: Oy.  Well, if You want something done right, You have to do it Yourself.  Moses!  Stretch forth thy rod over the waters!  See See Wall to Wall!

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The Israelites Lo!  The waters of the Red Sea are parting! Comment  · Like · Share

 

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Moses has written a note on the Israelites'  Wall: Into the sea bed!  Quickly!  See See Wall to Wall!

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The Israelites The waters are piling up!  There is a path between. Comment  · Like · Share

 

pharaoh.JPGPharaoh has written a note on the Army’s wall:  After them!  Into the sea bed!  See Wall to Wall

 

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Pharaoh’s chariot has experienced braking problems, has steering issues, suddenly accelerated, and burst into flames.  Also he is wet.  Very, very wet. Comment  · Like · Share

 

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Youngest son Daddy, I’m tired… can I lie down on the couch?  Comment  · Like · Share

 

Parent The seder’s over now.  Let’s say good night, and then I’ll carry you to the car.

 

 

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Here endeth the Seder.


NEXT YEAR AS AN IPHONE APP


Based on The (original) 2009 Facebook Haggadah by the same author.


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Copyright 2010 Carl Elkin. Licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike License. So as long as you credit me by name or link back to this page, you can do pretty much whatever you want with it as long as you don't make money from it. More details