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The Passover Seder, the oldest continuously observed
religious ceremony in the world, tells the story of the Jews' Exodus from
Egypt. The rabbis teach that Jews of all nations and eras must imagine
that they personally had departed from Egypt, and that each generation must
retell the story of the Exodus in its own terms.
The rabbis probably never intended this.
The 2010 Facebook Haggadah
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Joseph has been taken to Egypt. Traffic was terrible. Comment · Like · Share
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 Joseph and Pharaoh are now friends. Comment · Like · Share
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Joseph to Pharaoh O
Pharaoh! First there will be seven
good years, with bountiful harvest.
You must fill the royal treasuries with grain. Then, when the lean years come, you may
throw open the doors to your granary that none may go hungry! Comment · Like · Share
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Pharaoh You speak
wisely. It shall be done!
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Elijah My new smartphone with Nav software and turn by
turn directions is making this year’s rounds a breeze! Currently 350 households ahead of
schedule.
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Posted via
Facebook for Flaming Chariots · Comment ·
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Pharaoh Rough day today, so be nice. My dad entered immortality this morning,
and I’ve assumed the throne and become the new Pharaoh. I even took over his account. I’m doing my best to carry on his legacy,
but it’s tough. And it didn’t get
any easier after dinner tonight when the cat threw up all over the
carpet. Comment · Like · Share
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Joseph I am sorry to hear of your loss, my master.
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Pharaoh Who are you, and why are you writing
on my wall?
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Joseph I meant no disrespect, my master.
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Advisor He is an Israelite. There are many of
them. I do not know whether they are with us or against us.
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Pharaoh Let us deal shrewdly with them, lest
they join with our enemies in time of war.
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Pharaoh sent The Israelites
Bread of Affliction. Comment · Like · Share
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The Israelites This stuff tastes awful.
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The Israelites This year we are slaves, next year
may we be free!
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Miriam Eggshell blue.
Comment · Like · Share
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Elijah likes this
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Youngest son Why is this night different from all
other nights? Comment · Like · Share
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Parent What do you mean?
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Youngest son Well, there's the drink-four-times
thing, and the matzah thing, and the dip in salt-water thing. What's up
with that?
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Pharaoh has posted an album: Construction of Piton and
Ramses. Comment · Like · Share
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The Israelites I'm the 350th
slave from the right!
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Elijah is entering 350 Andrews St, Cambridge, MA.
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Posted via
Facebook for Flaming Chariots · Comment ·
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Elijah Hello?
Anybody home? Where’s my
wine?
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Henry Louis Gates Who are you and what are you doing
here?
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Elijah Woops, my bad!
Typed 350 instead of 305 into the Nav software. I’ll be going now. If its ok, I’ll just grab this bottle
of wine for the road.
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Henry Louis Gates Hey!
Bring that back! I’m
calling the police!
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The Israelites have written a note on God's Wall: We're suffering! See See
Wall to Wall
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God has written a note on The
Israelites' Wall: Yeah, I see. Listen, sit tight, and I'll think
of Something. See See
Wall to Wall
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Moses has found an egg on his farm. He needs you to sit on it and keep it
warm. Click
here to help Moses hatch his egg.
Comment · Like · Share
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God Moses, don’t you have anything better to do? Wait, I’ve got just the thing for you:
go deliver your people Israel from bondage.
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Moses Me? Can’t
you find someone else? I’m really
not very good at public speaking.
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God sent Moses
burning bush. Comment · Like · Share
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God has written a note on Moses'
Wall: Yeah, you.
See See Wall to Wall
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Henry Louis Gates has been arrested again. Comment · Like · Share
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Henry Louis Gates But… but! You can’t arrest me for breaking and
entering into my own house and stealing my own wine!
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Policeman We
won’t. We’ll think of something.
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Moses has written a note on Pharaoh's
Wall: Let my people go! See See
Wall to Wall
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Youngest son Daddy, can I have a drink from your
glass? Comment · Like · Share
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Parent That’s not my glass, it’s Elijah’s. And anyway you can’t, because it’s
grownup juice. Also, we only drink
at special times tonight.
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Youngest son Who’s Elijah?
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Parent Long story.
Short version is that he’s this guy who drank 40,000 cups of wine
and is now driving a flaming chariot across the sky while texting
Facebook. To be honest, I’m not
entirely sure he’s a great role model.
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Pharaoh has written a note on Moses’
Wall: No! The Israelites will always
be my slaves! And you shall be
punished for your insolence in asking me such a question. From now on, you shall no longer be given
the bricks you will use, but shall have to make them yourselves. See See Wall to Wall
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Moses OK, do what you gotta do. But there’s an App for making
bricks. We’ll just download it.
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Pharaoh Not anymore! I shall cause the brickmaking app to be
removed from the store. There is
no longer an App for that.
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Toyota has recalled 10 models of flaming chariot, saying they
are plagued by braking problems, steering issues, and sudden
acceleration. Although there is no cause for alarm at this time, all customers are
advised to take their flaming chariots to the nearest flaming chariot dealer as
soon as possible. Comment · Like · Share
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Elijah Ruh-roh
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Rabbi Jose the Gallilean How might one show that Toyota
was smitten by 50 recalls instead of 10?
It is written that when the problems were first reported, “Toyota
pointed a finger at the floor mats.”
And yet when it came to fix the flaming chariots, it is written that “Toyota
promised owners a helping hand.”
If 10 recalls were the finger of Toyota, than surely the hand of
Toyota must be 50 recalls.
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Rabbi Eliezer How do we know that there were 150
recalls in all? If each of
Toyota’s ten models of flaming chariot were plagued by 1) braking
problems, 2) steering issues, and 3) sudden acceleration, then there must
have been 50 times 3 or 150 recalls in all.
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Rabbi Akiva Dude, you missed some commas. As I heard it, their chariots are
plagued by 1) braking, 2) problems, 3) steering, 4) issues, and 5) sudden
acceleration, so surely there must have been 250 recalls in all.
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Lawyer You guys are great. Can I hire you all as expert witnesses
for my class-action suit?
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Seder leader “And he embittered our lives.” From this, we learn that Pharaoh Ramses
not only removed all brickmaking Apps from the online store, but changed the
Terms of Service on the Israelite’s phones so they could no longer run
brick-making Apps they wrote themselves.
Comment · Like · Share
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Seder participant Yea, even their own personal phones
that were not work-related.
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Youngest son Daddy, do I have to eat the red
stuff? It tastes bad. Comment · Like · Share
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Parent That’s maror.
It tastes very bitter. It
symbolizes the bitter times the Israelites experienced.
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Rabbi Hillel if I do not eat this sandwich, who will
eat it for me? But if I eat this sandwich alone, how will I have room for dessert? And if not now,
when? Comment · Like · Share
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God This pharaoh guy is seriously ticking me off. Comment · Like · Share
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God sent Pharaoh
a plague: blood Comment · Like · Share
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 Seder leader
The waters are turning from blue! to red!How powerful is He Who turns the waters red!
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God sent Pharaoh
a plague: insects. Comment ·
Like ·
Share
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God sent Pharaoh
“the worst storm in all the land of Egypt since it had become a nation.” Comment ·
Like ·
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  Advisor It’s natural
variation! Or a conspiracy! Or both!
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God sent Pharaoh
more plagues.
Comment · Like · Share
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God sent Pharaoh
a final plague: the slaying of the first born.
Comment · Like · Share
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Moses has written a note on the
Israelites’ Wall: Guys, you should probably take
precautions. I’m not saying you
should defriend the Angel of Death or anything, but you should probably
play around with the privacy settings a bit, or write a note on your wall or
something. See See
Wall to Wall
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The Israelites O Angel of Death! Pass over this house!
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Posted in blood via Facebook for paschal lambs · Comment ·
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The Angel of Death has passed over some houses—but not
others. Comment · Like · Share
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Pharaoh has written a note on Moses’
Wall: My son! My only son! I give up, Moses. begone!!! See See Wall to Wall
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Moses has written a note on the
Israelites’ Wall: Pharaoh
is letting us go! Quick, before he
changes his mind, let’s go! See Wall to Wall
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Israelites But we're in the middle of baking
bread. It’s great stuff, with a
delicate blend of spices, lots of heart-healthy cinnamon, and filled with
little raisins on the inside.
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Moses Leave it
behind! We have to go, now!
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Israelites But what will we eat for dinner? It’s not like there are McDonalds all
over the desert.
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Moses OK, take
your bread dough! It’s better than
nothing.
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Moses is departing Egypt. Comment ·
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Seder leader All of Israel
went forth from Egypt. Not only the
living, but the dead, and also those not born.
Comment · Like · Share
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Rabbi Allen I went forth from Egypt.
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Rabbi Albert I went forth
from Egypt.
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Sarah Palin I didn’t, but I watched from my house
in Al’ Aska. It’s right next door.
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Pharaoh My slaves are leaving! We must be after them. Generals, gather the army! Let us catch them! Ready my personal chariot! Comment · Like · Share
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Advisor But sir, your personal chariot
was made by Toyota.
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Pharaoh What’s wrong with that? So were the chariots of the rest of
the army.
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Advisor Er, nothing sir.
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Pharaoh Good, then ready the war
corollas. And have the all
their stereos play the Ride of the Valkyries cranked up to 11!
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Advisor But sir, Wagner won’t be born for another 30 centuries! He can’t possibly have written that song!
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Pharaoh
Download it online, fool!
Now prepare my personal Prius of Destruction!
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Israelites There is a huge cloud of dust rising
from the city! We hear the strains
of Wagner. It is the Egyptian war
Toyotas! The army of pharaoh is
after us! Comment · Like
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Moses Have faith, O Israel. But run fast. Very, very fast. Comment ·
Like ·
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Pharaoh Now I’ve got them. they are trapped between my war
machines and the deep blue sea! Comment · Like · Share
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God wrote a note on Moses'
wall: Fear not,
Moses! I shall send you my prophet
Elijah. Comment · Like · Share
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Elijah Yo! I am the
prophet Elijah. I’m here to
help. But first, have you got any
Manishewitz? Comment · Like · Share
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Moses No, we left it behind, because we were kind of in
a hurry. Please help us, O
prophet!
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Elijah OK, I can
understand if you don’t have Manishewitz, but have you at least got
anything Red? Lord knows, I’m not
picky.
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Moses No, we don’t have any wine, because we left in
KIND OF IN A HURRY because THE EGYPTIAN ARMY IS CHARGING TOWARDS US IN
THEIR AWFUL PRIUSES OF DEATH. Help
us, O prophet!
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Elijah OK, fine,
don’t worry about the wine.
Hey! I didn’t recognize you
at first—is that you, Moses?
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Moses Yes!
Please help, the Egyptian army is almost upon us!
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Elijah Dude, I
know you, you’re Miriam’s brother.
Could you help me out a bit?
I keep winking at her on JLove, and she like totally ignores me. Didn't return my last two IMs
either. Do you think you could
introduce us? Nothing too obvious, just something casual?!
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Moses has written a note on God’s
Wall: Have you got a Plan B? See See
Wall to Wall
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God has written a note on Moses’
Wall: Oy. Well, if You want something
done right, You have to do it Yourself.
Moses! Stretch forth thy rod
over the waters! See See
Wall to Wall!
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The Israelites Lo!
The waters of the Red Sea are parting! Comment · Like · Share
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Moses has written a note on the
Israelites' Wall: Into the
sea bed! Quickly! See See Wall to Wall!
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The Israelites The waters are piling up! There is a path between. Comment · Like · Share
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Pharaoh has written a
note on the Army’s wall: After them!
Into the sea bed! See
Wall to Wall
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Pharaoh’s chariot has experienced braking problems, has
steering issues, suddenly accelerated, and burst into flames. Also he is wet. Very, very wet. Comment · Like · Share
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Youngest son Daddy, I’m tired… can I lie down on
the couch? Comment · Like · Share
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Parent The seder’s over now. Let’s say good night, and then I’ll
carry you to the car.
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Here endeth the Seder.
NEXT YEAR AS AN IPHONE APP
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